Doomsday Ahead

I just know it. Fuck this.

Rant

I’m asdfghjkl.. I’m left hopeless in relation to people. Before that, I was happily naive
and believed that love was suppose to be good in spite of everything, that it would never be the reason for causing this inexplicable pain that I feel now in my chest. I never thought it would feel so terrible to be replaced, that good memories would feel like a stab in my heart everytime that I remember, which is constantly. And I think it feels this way because of the trust that I had on her, which she made grow on me, and that she managed to break so easily.

Confusion Situation

I don’t know why I am writing this now. I know I have to say this out loud, to someone. Or maybe something? It’s too difficult to be hearing these words.. I should know, I’ve been saying them for awhile now. To myself. And every night, it gets real. It’s not supposed to be real. It’s supposed to be something I made up, something I want to feel. Something I want to convince myself with. I’ve bottled up these emotions I don’t want the world to know. The world has it’s own problems and the people I talk to, well, must be tired of this self-pity stage I am in.

I’ve been in this situation for quite awhile now. Every time I here your name or something about you I shrug it off, or I try to make my comments brief. Not like I don’t care, I just don’t want to say things that will make me remember how it feels. I hate feeling this way, the feeling of uncertainty. Everyday is different, sometimes I miss you, sometimes I don’t. It’s really hard, weighing things, thinking if this is worth it or not. Thinking if you still care or you’re just making excuses and reasons. Each time I think about it, the more I wanted to get ready. You said we’re working things out, I don’t know how you “work things out” but this definitely isn’t working for me. I don’t know why I’m still here waiting for you. I don’t want to bother, atleast that’s what I always tell myself. Every other people in my world tells me that too. I wanted to leave you, ahhhhhhh fuck. I don’t want to be feeling like this. You treat me as if I’m nothing and I can’t tolerate that anymore.

I wonder how you do it. But right now, I have one thing that I’ll do. I won’t make things easy for you anymore. I’m done with that.

There’s more t…

There’s more to life than this. There’s more to life than this. There’s more to life than this. Every single day I keep on waiting. But the longer it takes, the more I am convinced that this, will not turn out how I wanted it to be.

Let’s Start Pretending: Day 1

All there is left is to pretend everything’s okay. Either everything will turn out alright or I just have to be okay cause there’s no choice left.

Things Left Unsaid

March 30, 2011

3:31am

 

Happy birthday! I told whoever to just give you the letter if you’re not mad about everything that I did. Or if it’s already time. I hope this thing will cheer you up, even just a bit? If you are not :) I wrote this in advance, I’m so scared to forget how it feels :( I never got the chance to tell these nice things to you. So, here. I love you. Why? I don’t know if that phrase is even good enough to explain how I feel. I can’t even begin to describe all these thoughts inside my head, these emotions in my heart, these feelings that start somewhere in my spine. Hm, how will I start this? Every moment when I could be with you and I’m not, seemed wasted time for me. At the beginning of this all, when I didn’t even believe in love anymore, I wondered somewhere in the back of my mind if everything, how I’d awkwardly shove my hand into yours, how my eyelids would flutter as you kissed me, was all worth it. I took the risk. Til now, none of it was gone. Everything you did, even more, everything you are, made me so happy. Even when I’m delirious and saying things at 1:00 AM, I would rather it is with you than anyone else. Even those terrible days I spent crying, it seemed, endless. I’d rather be crying about you than kissing anyone else. I don’t really know how to tell you. I don’t have the words to explain how much you’ve changed my life. I grew up almost conditioned to doubt love, or to write of love. To me, love was counterfeit and temporary, another source of disappointment. Then you came. You, with your wonderful optimism and so full of believing, dreams and plans. Someone I was really comfortable with. Someone I can look my total worst around but still feel at total ease. Someone I can do boring things with but still create some of the best memories. Someone I can laugh with til I cry. Someone who’s there to dry my eyes. Someone that gives me jet planes, not butterflies. Someone who shows me off without holding back. Someone I can finally talk comfortably about the future with. Someone who makes me feel all the emotions and feelings that I never even knew existed. Someone who has seen me at my worst but still loves me regardless. That was all you. You never pressured me, you just waited as love for me grew in your heart and as love for you grew in mine again. I’ve never known what it’s like to feel this much. I never placed so much faith in one person before, never took so much stock in one relationship, and never needed someone as badly as I needed you. I got hurt, it was probably my fault, maybe for loving you too soon, or too purely, or too much. I anticipated that you will leave, before you even left. I thought I was ready. I was scared I will never be enough and that you can replace me easily. I was too stubborn to accept my mistakes, I blamed everything to you I admit that. I think I died when that day happened, when you got tired of convincing me how much you love me. Now, I don’t care. I believed in you and I believed in us. I don’t care how much I got hurt because I know the kind of love we had was different from all the rest. The kind of love that pulls at my heart and makes me miss you while I’m still in your arms. The kind that makes me want to know the future, not because I’m unsure of who I’m going to be with but because I want to see how the rest of my life looks with you in it. The kind that makes me always want more, not in the selfish way but in the way that I wish I could be a better person for you, I wish I could talk to you all the time and not need sleep or anything else because I want to be there for you always. The kind that makes me wish time didn’t exist so that the alarm would never have to go off, that we would never have to get up and say goodbye when we have sleepovers :( The kind which makes my heart skip everytime you smile or laugh. The kind which can literally rip my heart apart. The kind I am willing to give my heart fully, letting you in control, not knowing if you’ll break it or not. The kind of love that makes my heart seriously twitch everytime you say you love me. But, here we are now :( I just want you to know that you’re the only person who made me cry and hurt like this yet I still want to be with you because at the same time you can make me the happiest. Love is always enough for me. You don’t know what you got til it’s gone. I wouldn’t have been so mean, I wouldn’t pick fights with you. I wouldn’t be as narrow minded thinking you should be the person I thought you should be in my mind. I should’ve stopped us from becoming what we’ve become, doing things that hurt each other. I knew in the back of my mind but I was too much in denial, too happy being with you. I could’ve stopped it, we were perfectly happy before. I wouldn’t have been so selfish, I would let you go anywhere, do anything you want, I will hold my tongue for every snide remark. I wish neither of us got hurt, I don’t want to take away the fights but I wish I was quicker to say sorry. I could’ve swallowed my pride and admitted my wrong. I’m sorry for all the times I hurt you. I would’ve tried to be a better girlfriend. You said you will just keep on hurting me and you don’t want to do that anymore, but relationships are never smooth sailing right? Things happened so fast :( The sad part is we’re strangers now. I hate to say this but, if I am just a phase in your life, even if I’m only just a love you once had and not your last, I want you to know that I have never loved anyone the way I love you, and I doubt I will be able to, and I know it is highly unlikely that I will ever want to. I want you to know that even if things change and plans change and dreams change and people change, nothing will change the way I love you and the way we were, frozen in our happiest time. I want you to remember this kind of love. The self-giving love, the one that fills you with so much it spills out in tears in the absence of sadness. That is what you’ve enabled me to feel, that is what you’ve given me. I want to thank you for that. I want to thank you for everything :)

 

Always yours,
Even if you’re not mine anymore,

<3 D

 

PS. You were worth the wait.

Please take me back :(

At some point I got tired of waiting. Waiting for what I want to happen, waiting for the right words, the right time. Waiting for the right thing to happen. I still can’t convince myself that this is it.

A Collection of Paradoxes

I don’t know what to feel right now. Sometimes I think how I am so much of many things. How I am never the right mix of something. Too sensitive, too insensitive. I think that you don’t care, I feel that you do things to hurt me on purpose, that I am not worthy of anything. I feel neglected, rejected and ignored. I forget how you have feelings, I talk too much, I say words I don’t really mean. Too shallow, too deep. Too cold-hearted, too strong. It’s so hard to feel this way but I love you no matter what. I just hate how you don’t feel the same way I do for you.

What I’ve learned over the years is that learning to accept each other’s faults – and choosing to celebrate each other’s differences – is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.
And that’s my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He’s the only One who will be able to give you a relationship.
Don’t put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket – keep it in your own.

There’s one thing I want to say, so I’ll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I’m not sorry I met you
I’m not sorry it’s over